


the colour fadeout

by orphan_account



Category: Suzumiya Haruhi Series, Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu | The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bad end, F/M, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-06 00:31:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/729624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is 12:01am on December 21st, and Haruhi Suzumiya has truly disappeared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the colour fadeout

**Author's Note:**

> a 'what if kyon chose to stay in the disappearance verse' AU.  
> also the first fic I ever wrote, originally written back in 2010; it's subsequently a bit rough around the edges, but oh well!  
> all feedback is very much appreciated : )

The situation brings back memories buried deep in the back of Kyon's mind, locked away in some dark corner of his brain that he never wanted to disturb. He closes his eyes in the empty cold literature clubroom and sees surreal giants wandering a monochrome wasteland. He sees a sky with no clouds, no sun, no stars - a world enveloped in a sea of grey where the only light comes from the towering humanoid creatures. And he sees the face he knows infinitely well; amber eyes glistening, the ruined world before them reflecting deep in her irides.

He chose to return. He sealed his decision with the soft feeling of Haruhi's lips beneath his own before he awoke to stare at the ceiling of his room in confusion and shock. The world born from Haruhi's melancholy - a greyscale, forlorn and empty world - he rejected that. Pushed away the abandoned world to return to the one he knew so well.

Kyon opens his eyes and the same face is there, standing and facing him with a quizzical demanding expression so very familiar to him. He chose to return, back in that dystopian far-too-realistic dream, and the choice was obvious at the time - but is it so obvious now? He had told her at the time he wanted to see the people he knew again - but they're here now. In the same room as him. Waiting silently for his choice, confused and concerned but still, even if blindly, placing their trust in him.

And would staying in this world be so bad? Isn't this the life he longed for? One where there's no grief pushed upon him by Haruhi as she drags him around at her every whim? One where he doesn't have to worry about killers in sunset-lit empty classrooms with glistening knives threatening to tear through his skin? One where he can just live out the mundane life of the ordinary high school student he always claimed to be?

There's a life for him in this world. It's been set up, a gift from whoever created this quiet universe. And Nagato -

He looks at her now, eyes taking in the thin form of the shy girl before him. Upon glancing up and inadvertently directly meeting his gaze, she stumbles slightly and diverts her stare to the floor. He could join the literature club with her. The sign-up form is still in his pocket.

Kyon glances at the computer screen where the message from Nagato blinks silently. Slowly, his finger descends down onto the keyboard. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes and lightly taps the key -

_backspace._

* * *

December 20th. 11:35pm.

He knows that the emergency escape program was erased the moment he pressed the backspace key. He knows that now, there is no returning to the original world, the one he knows so well. And yet a small part of him thinks – _maybe there's a way back. Maybe if you go back to the clubroom now. Bring everyone else. There's still time. You can go back._

It's stupid, really; he chose to forget the previous world, consign it to the back of his memories to be preserved forever. And yet here he is, lying on his back at near midnight, staring at a ceiling that is very familiar and unknown at the same time. He closes his eyes – though he knows he won't be getting to sleep any time soon – and relives the images he remembers so well. An open window through which a breeze flutters, gently shaking the hem of Asahina-san's maid dress. An Othello board with pieces scattered across it, clearly indicating that Koizumi is, as usual, losing miserably. The resonating sound of the door as it slams against the wall after being forcefully flung open by a certain excitable brigade chief. He relishes every recollection, taking in the scent of Asahina-san's tea, the quiet rustle of paper as Nagato turns a page over in her latest dauntingly long novel. For the last time, Kyon reminisces, drifts off into the days he knows will never return – and then he opens his eyes.

It is 12:01am on December 21st, and Haruhi Suzumiya has truly disappeared.

* * *

The next morning, Kyon finds himself accosted by Taniguchi in the few minutes before homeroom.

"Hey, Kyon. What had you so freaked out yesterday? What was that about Suzumiya? Did you finally lose your mind? It's okay, man. I'm here for you. Just don't let your insanity spread to me."

In hindsight, he supposes he must have looked quite weird, randomly standing up in the middle of break, shouting and then running out the classroom. The rest of his classmates will probably think of him as some freak now. In a way, he's taking the place of Haruhi. Quite ironic. In any case, he can't be bothered to deal with Taniguchi's idiocy, so he mumbles some half-assed excuse about how it "doesn't matter anymore."

Taniguchi stares at him for a few seconds before, as usual, putting two and two together and coming up with eighty-six. "Ahh. I see, I see." He leans back in his chair and nods in an irritatingly smug and wise way, eyes closed. "You got rejected, didn't you? Ahh, man, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I don't even know how you found her – but it's all totally my fault. I should've told you about her." He leans forward to clap a hand on Kyon's shoulder. "Forgive me."

It's good to see that, even in this world, Taniguchi is an idiot.

* * *

At lunch the next day, he walks the same route he knows so very well. Like this, he can almost pretend nothing has changed. If he closes his eyes he can imagine the first hints of the sunset leaking through the glass, imagine the gentle silence of the after-school atmosphere. They're probably all already inside; Koizumi sitting in front of some new board game, awaiting Kyon's arrival so he can sit and lose miserably while rambling about some deep philosophical matter than Kyon doesn't give a damn about. Asahina-san, standing with the frills of her maid dress brushing the floor as she brews her tea. Haruhi, slamming the door open as an annoucement of her entrance and instantly breaking into some long-winded rant. Nagato-

Kyon realizes now that he's standing outside the door, fist poised to knock out of instinct. He's about to carry on when his hand falters and goes to his pocket. _Ah._ He fishes the sign-up sheet out and glances at it; it's incredibly crumpled but he's pretty sure Nagato won't mind. Digging a pen out of his bag, he rests the paper against the wall and scrawls his name messily.

He supposes this is the final nail in the coffin of his memories of the SOS Brigade. By handing this sheet in, he's recognizing that the five of them will never again gather in the room he's facing now. With this, everything will be over.

_But really – it's already over, isn't it?_

He knocks on the door.

* * *

He still meets up with Haruhi occasionally, on Sundays when she apparently has nothing to do and rings him up to demand he come out. It reminds him of the countless times she forced him to go trudging around the city in a futile search for _extraordinary beings –_ but instead of walking around the city, most of the time they just sit in a quiet café and talk. Every time he meets her it hits him how different this Haruhi is to the one he knows. He saw her more energetic personality emerge when she snuck into North High, but after that she reverted to the subdued solemnity present when he first met her. Kyon gets the impression that Haruhi's disappointed in him for leaving the other world behind. It's all she ever wants to talk about; the only time her eyes light up is when Kyon tells her about the past adventures of the SOS Brigade. She attempted to recreate it shortly after Kyon deactivated the emergency escape program, but Nagato seemed to dislike the idea and Asahina-san ignored all attempts Haruhi made to contact her. And so this is what the SOS Brigade has been reduced to, a few meetings on dull weekends where they sit around talking about their past escapades that might as well have never have happened.

Occasionally Koizumi comes along too, but most of the time he sits there in quiet contemplation. His smile seems to become a few degrees more realistic whenever Haruhi smiles brightly or laughs in her loud and obnoxious way. He supposes the Koizumi of this world wasn't joking about liking Haruhi – it's evident in the way he looks at her when she turns away, and also in the subtle resentment he seems to hold for Kyon. It's nothing overtly obvious, but when Haruhi becomes engaged in one of Kyon's stories, Koizumi gives him a sharp look that lasts for no more than a millisecond but still manages to pierce him. When this happens, Kyon wonders if he missed something similar in the past world -

But he has to stop thinking like that. It's gone. Even if this world isn't quite what he expected, he has to live with it.

There's no going back.

* * *

School continues in the same mundane manner as always. In time, Kyon's strange outbursts are consigned to the distant memories of his classmates. This may be, in part, due to Taniguchi going around telling people that Kyon 'had fallen in love with that Suzumiya weirdo' and 'the whole thing had addled his brains'. Most people seem to accept this explanation, which makes Kyon seriously doubt the effectiveness of the education system. It feels inexplicably lonely without Haruhi sitting behind him, occasionally jabbing him sharply in the back when she is visited by some new and insane thought. This loneliness is all but overridden by the unease he feels at the person who _is_ sitting behind him. He's come to accept that the Ryoko Asakura of this world is, like everyone else, just a normal person, but this doesn't stop him remembering the cold sheen of a lethal knife when she leans forward to pass him a pen. Kyon finds himself reasonably glad that she has such a amicable personality, as she seems to have forgotten about his outburst back when he arrived in this universe, and seems to consider his enigmatic hostility and fear towards her as some sort of shyness. All things considered, this Asakura is reasonably pleasant, but shivers still run along his body whenever her cold blue gaze meets his.

He passes Asahina-san in the hallways occasionally. Most of the time Tsuruya-san is with her, and she glares at him while gently ushering Asahina along. When she isn't there, sometimes the smaller girl opens her mouth as if she wants to say something to him, but no words come out and she hurries away every time. Kyon has come to accept the fact that they'll never be close again.

He should've known this when he chose this world, but it still stings when he considers the fact that he'll never taste her tea again.

* * *

Eventually, Haruhi and Koizumi become more distant from him. They have nothing in common – they go to different schools and are technically strangers – and after Kyon has dictated the entire life of the SOS Brigade to Haruhi, they find they have nothing to talk about. Their meet-ups become less and less frequent before finally, they both all but vanish from his life entirely.

And so, Kyon is left to spend his days with Nagato. At first, he thought she wasn't that far from the silent alien he used to know, but gradually he realizes the true depth of their differences. This Nagato takes a surprisingly long time to read a book and has a strange fascination with animals and giggles at lame jokes before rushing to disguise her laughter. She blushes at the tiniest of things and can't handle talking to strangers but when she turns to Kyon and faces him with a sincerely honest smile, his heart can't help but skip a beat.

Life in the literature club with her is as ordinary as Kyon expected. He's never been big on reading, but he's happy to spend his after-school days winding down in the clubroom while enjoying idle conversation with Nagato. Nobody ever joins the club, or even expresses interest in doing so, but he isn't surprised. Every now and again he hears her name mentioned quietly in hallways or in the corner of classrooms. It appears she's regaled as 'that quiet weird girl in the literature club'. Naturally, Kyon's name soon becomes associated with hers, and he comes to be known as 'that weird guy in the literature club'. He can't bring himself to care. He doesn't dislike this new life. In fact, he's come to quite enjoy it – but that doesn't change the fact that every day he wakes up from dreams of a literature clubroom with a heater and a computer obtained through blackmail and various costumes hanging on a rack.

* * *

One day, he goes to the city with Yuki. (He's not entirely sure when he began calling her Yuki – but it seems appropriate, considering she's the person closest to him in this world.) They go to the cinema and watch a melodramatic romantic drama that has Kyon rolling his eyes at every twist. At the end, just when he's wondering who in this world would take this seriously, he looks over at Yuki and sees her staring in quiet awe at the screen, tears welling up in her wide eyes. She glances at Kyon and, upon seeing him looking at her, blushes furiously in the endearing manner so typical of her and rushes to wipe her eyes.

Upon exiting the cinema, they discover that the heavens have decided to open while they were inside and the rain is now pouring mercilessly. Kyon sighs and sticks his hand in his pockets, lamenting his poor skills at predicting the weather. Yuki, true to form, dutifully pulls out a bland black umbrella and puts it up, offering it to Kyon while studiously staring at her feet.

They walk home together underneath it in a silence that isn't entirely comfortable but not really awkward. Every so often Yuki stumbles and her shoulder bumps against his, prompting her to stutter a garbled apology that makes Kyon smile. They pass a convenience store and she mumbles that she needs to go in and buy something. He rests against the store window for a minute or two, the shelter overhead providing a brief respite from the rain.

It's here that Kyon once again considers his decision to stay in this world. He was certain he was making the right choice at the time, but looking back – was it really? The happiness that the SOS Brigade blessed Haruhi with is not present in this universe. Koizumi appears destined to quietly spend his time by her side with her being blissfully unaware of his feelings. Asahina must be happy enough, but the sight of her passing him silently in the corridors fills him with regret every single time. Yuki, though – he feels as though he has a duty to her. Thinking about it, he hasn't honestly known her that long, but he thinks it's enough to recognize the changes in her demeanour as of late. He was always accomplished at reading the subtle alterations in her facial expressions, back in the old world, but he doesn't need this expertise to recognize that she seems much happier now that he's spending so much time with her. He supposes, looking at it logically, that Yuki likes him – and if he considers it, he kind of likes her back.

It's as he reaches this epiphany that Yuki emerges from the store. Plastic bag in one hand, she reaches for the umbrella that's held stiffly in his grip, silently offering to hold it, but Kyon drops it on the floor where it hits the floor with a splash.

He kisses her in the rain with the light from the convenience store illuminating the subtle features of her pale face.

Yuki's lips are soft and taste faintly of strawberries, and when he pulls away she blushes in her familiar endearing way but there's a faint smile on her face. Her expression makes Kyon's heart flutter a tiny bit and he feels his expression forming a smile but it still doesn't feel right.

He doubts it ever will.


End file.
